How To Talk To Your Partner About Money

You’ve had a great Christmas, maybe you spent a little more than you’d planned, but you justified it because we didn’t all get together last year, and you haven’t been together for AGES!!

And, and the justifications just keep coming..

You did actually buy enough to feed an army, and, well, just in case… You’ve got too much Christmas chocolate left, and who on earth bought another extra bottle of sherry – just in case?

You’ve spent too much and the credit card is looming and you just can’t seem to pick the right moment to talk about money…. And it goes on.

Then suddenly the debts are mounting, you’re losing sleep, you’ve got an awful knot in your stomach and you just can’t seem to find the right time and well, the longer you leave it, you know the worse it’s getting.

How and when did you stop talking??

Often when people get together they soon discuss those relationship critical issues to identify whether they think they’re a good “fit”. You’ll find people discuss all sorts of things when they are getting to know each other from children, sex, drugs, family, education, travel, politics and all the other things when you’re starting a relationship.

Rarely do they discuss money. They don’t discuss how much they make, how much they spend, or more importantly save and they never discuss how they feel about it.

Our relationship with money will probably run deep and long and it’s usually a product of everything that has gone before, family experiences, being poor or being rich. It can be so varied and they are based on our experiences, our subconscious beliefs and thought patterns usually from our childhood. So deeply ingrained in us, they determine how we as adults deal with money. Any negative beliefs and patterns being incorrectly diagnosed as just being lazy, crazy, stupid or just bad with money.  It can lead to a poor relationship with money. 

Lots of people use money as a reward system. I’ll buy myself those shoes when I have achieved XYZ. Spending money can be addictive, that initial euphoric hit of endorphins can often quickly be replaced with a sinking feeling of buyers remorse.

All this means that it’s so important to establish very early on how your new partner feels (and behaves) about money.

I believe that money should be like a prenup agreement – you need to be on the same page.  Or at least understand how each other thinks, behaves and reacts to money.

It is never too early and it is that important!

Create a safe environment. 

If talking about money makes you squirm, then create a safe environment to discuss money issues – from the monthly food bill to saving for next year’s holiday. I have found it is easier to do this when everyone else is out and you have the place to yourself, or take yourselves out for coffee and discuss the money issues, or over a glass of wine at the end of the week. Create some fun around it, it’s something you are doing together. It will take practice.

Choose your language carefully, it must be “we” and “us” not “you” and “I”.

Discuss options, never blame one another – it just causes resentment, and create your plan together. Whether it’s a recovery plan, or a plan to tighten your belts, or a plan to save for Christmas. Make a plan! It may be a list of things you need to do, or actions you need to take – share the load with each of you taking some responsibility.

So many times, communication, and relationships break down due to not talking about money issues. Once communication and trust breaks down there isn’t anywhere to hide, so it’s important to get this right.

The challenge is that if you do not make sure you are and stay on the same track, then it is likely that your communication will falter, and this could spiral out of control. You’ll stop talking, resentment and blame may set in, your trust is broken and intimacy breaks down and it all spirals out of control.

Of course it’s not all plain sailing. It takes work to make it work, but get the basic principles right and you’ll stand a better chance of success. 

Occasionally more complex financial issues can arise  – redundancy, inheritance, planning for wills and power of attorney, school fees, financing university, helping children to buy their first home – especially if this is your second marriage and you are essentially two families coming together. 

The answer – well, of course it would be fantastic is there was a rule book that we could all refer to, but there isn’t.

Instead, be honest and be fair and always keep talking.

So if you are bored, so bored and tired with being in debt and want to master your money then let’s chat. We can have a FREE 30-minute discovery call by checking my website www.rachelrowley.co.uk

If you want to chat to a QUALIFIED AND EXPERIENCED Financial Coach please get in touch:

☎️ 07969 859749

📧 chat@rachelrowley.co.uk

Rachel x